Saturday, January 05, 2008

Ups and Downs and Everything Else in Between

Sometimes the longing is so deep and you want to do something amazingly bold and maybe something that you might regret later on, but in that moment it feels good and then brings me to ponder. When I am living in the moment and when I am just looking for some sort of drama. Though I would typically say that I do my best to lessen my drama there is still some part of me that yearns for it. It seems to keep my mind preoccupied, but it a quick passing feeling and it does not offer me that greater treasure that I seek. Yet I don't want to be too hesitant always fearful of doing this or that and sometimes being foolish works out brillantly and other times it takes a bit more time to realize how well everything turned out. Don't immediately become sour about something that is transpired in your life. The best things can quickly become the worst things and the worst things the best things.

I want to be on a mountain and after a brief period of time I want to be the pulse of the city. I read of people that have done things that I believe, but have not seen with my eyes, but with my poor vision I would miss it even if I was there. There is a feeling of transition and it works out your kinks and this can be full of angst and there is truly nothing to fear but feat and in one sense I perceive the world as a passing dream and on a more practical level it remains all that I currently know though.

I often dream of a place where I can see an experience all my friends and lovers simultaneously but each one has a time and place and each one wears a different face at a different time. Sometimes I just want to be three years old again but even then I wanted to be older so that I could play with big kids toys. I have met alot of people with amazing toys and yet I will always take people over the toys, but other people feel that toys never leave you and people do whether they want to or not. I keep thinking about the subject of death. It came up for me quite a bit this year and it is something that we all have to deal with and then we have to deal with our own death. This forces me to ask myself what I really want out of life. Each one of us is another reflection of another and only in the mind are things separate or different. We all come from the same source whatever you want to call it we are all here on this planet and I want to make this experience better for more the people that I meet. Sometimes I do feel that someone is a brother or sister to me and other times merely a stranger that I might feel indifferent towards. Each one of these people are overcoming their challenges. All the things that I feel to be true or not always the things that I live by or fully accept. First I have to be honest with myself and then I can be honest with my choices and everyone else I come in contact with. I want to love more and yet I fear that feeling of rejection. It doesn't stop me, but it might have me holding back, but there is a drum beat that we all move to and it is different for each of us just never try to march to someone else's drum beat because you will feel out of sorts.

1 comment:

one l said...

so much of this time i spent pondering death. or any sort of mini-deaths. because everything is a mini-death except for the one thing that is your eternal life, and all else falls away. so to be afraid of this change, these mini-deaths, one turns their back to so many of these experiences that add to our eternal backdrop. because only our experiences can be carried with us. everything else falls away.

but even in knowing this, i cannot lie. i am not there yet. to that place where love can never hurt. to that place where love flows so continuously that it can't hurt if one love focus disappears. cause love is love and it's always here, and never disappears. so i will continue to try to protect myself and i will continue opening, opening. and some day i will know this moment eternally.

one Love.

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