Saturday, December 16, 2006

Resolutions that You Should Not Keep!

People are always babbling about what the New Years resolution is for the new year. Yet they rarely follow thru and feel guilty about it later on in the year. So I came up with an idea. This year make all of New Year's Resolutions awful ideas and that way when you complete half of them or all of them you will feel both excited and disappointed. Below are some resolutions to ponder not fulfilling.

1) Think about the most destructive person you have ever dated and tell them you really want to make a clean start of it for the new year, but first you should ask them to cash your paycheck.

2) Pay off your debt my selling naked pictures of your roommates

3) Track down an ex that is the furthest away from you geographically (think Apollo moon mission) and beg them to take you back.

4)Make the big Mac one of your four food groups in fact make it your only food group

5) Take up unsocial smoking only smoke in anti-social situations such as yoga retreats (think silent Vipassano retreats) and meditation centers or anywhere where smoking is either outlawed or highly discouraged

6) Fight for an unworthy cause like smoker's rights or the continued bombing of people in foreign countries that you don't know. Yes I know both are awful but it might actually bring attention to the lack of the resistance in our country towards liberation of Iraq

7) Give speeches to large audiences on the benefits of being oppressed by an imperial power

8) Sleep with your cousins that you only see at the occassional family function (are they really family anyway?)this way increasing your and their black sheep status.

9) Join a local gang as a way of increasing your self esteem in the short run it might work and in the long run (well you might not have one to speak of).

10)Get all of the unattractive people you know yourself included and make your own imitation of Justin Timberlakes "Bring Sexy Back" song. The world certainly could use more of this

11) Convince bulimics to become aneroxic instead because that way at least hungry people can get fed and food won't be wasted

12) Poke holes in all the condoms in your house and act suprised when your roommates keep getting girls pregnant.

13) Start a campaign to get Henry Kissinger elected president with the slogan "The white house needs more compassion"

14)Try to take yourself more seriously and at least get completely and irrationally offended 8 times a day to keep your stress levels up.

15) Insist on having a naked christmas party with all your favorite mormon and orthodox jewish friends.

16) Continue your attempts at bringing sexy back at old age homes

17) Announce that Flavor Flav is indeed a prophet sent by Elijiah and anyone that can not see this obviously works for Satan

18) Be more open to trying new things: like smoking crack and shooting up heroin


Reverend Steve said...

There's nothing new about smoking crack or riding the horse in this neck of the woods. Seriously, though... I am going to find the most self-destructive person I know and ask them to cash my paycheck.

What if that person is me?

Te'DeVan said...

Honestly I am stumped other then to say that I did say that some people would be successful in achieving some of these resolutions.

Reverend Steve said...

I just thought of something... I am the most self-destructive person I know.

(And I work at a bank!)

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