Monday, April 03, 2006

I have A Confession To Make

I am secretly and have always been a Republican, but after hearing my friend Reverend Steve's view of the disfunctions of a Republican (None of which qualified for AYKMA) I felt akward about coming out of the closet. Yet I figured since he was a Reverend I would have his full support and he would not make any assumptions. The one main area where I truly qualify as a Republican is fiscal responsibility. Many of the remaining views I have may be seen as "liberal", but really, using fiscal responsibility as the true calling card of a Republican I can justify all of my supposed "liberal" viewpoints as any "true" Republican should agree with me if they were any good at being Republicans. Fiscal responsibility first and foremost.

Here are the issues and here is how a Fiscally Responsible Republican should view them

Gay Marriage: Completely in favor of this idea because the amount of money that will be put into the economy thru all the extra weddings that will take place. Got to figure that 2 brides would spend twice as much. Also, selling more marriage licenses would help local and state budgets. And lets face it - marriage just ain't the same as it used to be. Heck, I'm already on wife three and maybe working on four. It is more of a temporary lease than a commitment.

War In Iraq: We are spending way too much money with no end in a sight and they are on the verge of a civil war. Even if we steal most of their oil this is a bad financial move. We are bleeding uncontrollably in terms of dollars spent.

George Bush: How the hell did this GOP disaster take place. He knows nothing about money he never had to earn it and every time he messed up somebody would bail him out. I think his father for the benefit of economic stability should do the country a favor and have one of his buddies in the CIA bump him off. It would save the taxpayers a lot of money in the long run.

Gun Control: In favor of more money being given to us and selling more expensive licenses so it becomes more of an activity for my pals at the country club. Also the thousands of lives lost each year is a lot of lost labor for the economy. Furthermore, when you put the growing lawsuits towards the gun manfacturers, it is best if we clamp down before they run out of money to lobby us with.

Prayer In School: Against it until the school shows they can educate the kids. There is no time for praying until they prove that they can learn first and then we can talk about praying. Our old football coach forbid us from getting laid until we won a game during out biggest losing streak. We then started having our biggest winning streak. Lets give these people a little incentive here.

Decriminializing Pot: Very in favor of this. All the founders used to blaze plus I have been known to steal my kids pot from time to time. There is a whole boat load of money to be made here plus too much money is spent on putting people in prison. I am tired of pissing away money to lock up pot heads. Much easier to remind people to put locks on their kitchen cabinet and it is much more affordable.

Welfare: In favor of this and I used to be against it, but studies show that people who have been eating consistently throughout their lives make much better workers then people who only eat on occassion. This is a way to improve the work force and improve the quality of workers on the bench.

Nuclear Aresnal: To immediately stop and decease building. They just sit around collecting dust. I told my son once that if he did not go out and get some that I was going to cut it off. Then he got an STD and there were lots of medical bills involved. So we can't use them either because it is also too costly. They are basically worthless. Relics of a time past this money could be used towards teaching my kid to wear a condom.

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