I want to scream and I am screaming. I feel there is so much coming at me and I just need to trust more. But this trusting thing can be so fucking scary, but if you don't trust then you just go insane. And maybe everything will go all wrong or all right or maybe you don't even know the difference anymore. You can sense what is around the corner, but your not exactly sure that you want to confront whatever it is and you are growing up and being part of something, but you have always been part of something. You feel disconnected because your scared to breathe. You have possible romances and possible living situations, but nothing has finalized itself. Even if the world is an illusion you want just one illusion to appear stable and that it will be there. Your choices involce alot more people then just you and you feel that you are carrying more then your load. There is help to be received, but sometimes you just have to ask.
I am in the midst of wild Manhattan craziness and trying to get everyone on the smae page and this can be quite challenging. Yet, none of this really matters and the family we create is the most important thing. I want to be more giving and more living, but I need to make more space inside of myself and remove more clutter that is coming to ths surface. My life has to be order if anything else is to mean anything. Some things seem promising and then fade like a shooting star while others blaze like a sun that we can't seem to see at times. I don't want to be new age or old age I just want to be the present age. I just want to see my way out of the maze of the mind thru surrendering the things beyond my control. I want to be generous, but I don't want to be trampled on. I want to reunite myself to my true core essence and then this whole journey becomes much easier. Give me the rock of God's love and let me stop searching and realize that I have always had what I was searching, but I just can't seem to realize beyond an intellectual understanding.
I am not sure if I can write or I can't write but I certainly know how to struggle when there is nothing to struggle with. I am fighting invisible men and women that I have made real out of my own fears and insecurities and taking on the fears of others and I just need to purge all the nonsense so that I can soar like the American eagle that has has shackles placed on its wings.
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it's inevitable.
that the older you get, the more responsibility you have to take on. the more people you have in your life, the more people you have to take into account. the stress can be almost unbearable. the stress can be unbearable. how can i possibly accomodate everyone else? when not one is even remotely the same situations or sentimentalities?! how can i possibly accomodate myself amongst everyone else? fortunately, i am often accomodated just knowing that everyone else is accounted for. but what do i stand for? and how much of it is ego? and how can i be expected to tell the difference when they both speak with such similar and convincing voices? and how much of it is making allowances for mine and other people's weaknesses? and God give me the strength! fill me with the patience and discipline and wisdom to see this thing through. this thing called growth and love and sacrifice and forgiveness and truth. this thing called life.
how can i know so much and follow through so little? why is it so clear where i want to end up, but not so much how to get there? how much will i be accountable for? how far off track am i? i think sometimes it is unfair that it is not easier, not more obvious. but that is my lazy ego. that is my scared lazy ego. he ties ropes on my wings.
butterflies cannot be tied down. i am merely resting. waiting for the right breeze.
i am expecting it any moment.
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