Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Problem With Wanting to Be Special

This whole idea or concept has lead to quite a few poor choices in my life and at certain times has had me come off as a bit egotistical, but at the root of it all is this desire to fell worthy, to feel that what I do matters.

I used to feel this way so frequently that it would impair the quality of my life and those around me. Over time this feeling started to dissipate more and more and around certain people this feeling is triggered and there is unconscious behavior that seeks to be validated as having other people view me as special. I told someone very close to me once if I could make anything go away it would be my desire "To be Special".

The greater the peace I find within myself the less I am looking for anyone or anything to make me special. The desire to want to be special is like being a slave to a master that will never be satisified.

There is never enough acknowledgement to the part of the mind that wants to be special. Then you start overcompensating and become less aware of the feelings of other people around you. You are so caught up in fullfilling your quest to be special that you have forgotten that everybody else is special too.

Though I have made progress with this issue it is still deeply rooted in my unconscious mind and any moment that takes place that validates that I am special, there is almost a clinging feeling around it. The person who is sick in front of you or the person who just lost their mother, father or brother does not need to hear about how special you are. They just need you to be there and be present for them.

This has been one of my most poweful lessons and also at times my most painful because I qucikly see how much unintentional pain is caused to other people when I feel the need to demonstrate that I am special. The deeper my inner communion becomes the less is my desire to be special until one day I will be so blessed to fully just be here and Now with no label and no attachmentt to any desire to feel that I am special.
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