The Problem With Wanting to Be Special

This whole idea or concept has lead to quite a few poor choices in my life and at certain times has had me come off as a bit egotistical, but at the root of it all is this desire to fell worthy, to feel that what I do matters.

I used to feel this way so frequently that it would impair the quality of my life and those around me. Over time this feeling started to dissipate more and more and around certain people this feeling is triggered and there is unconscious behavior that seeks to be validated as having other people view me as special. I told someone very close to me once if I could make anything go away it would be my desire "To be Special".

The greater the peace I find within myself the less I am looking for anyone or anything to make me special. The desire to want to be special is like being a slave to a master that will never be satisified.

There is never enough acknowledgement to the part of the mind that wants to be special. Then you start overcompensating and become less aware of the feelings of other people around you. You are so caught up in fullfilling your quest to be special that you have forgotten that everybody else is special too.

Though I have made progress with this issue it is still deeply rooted in my unconscious mind and any moment that takes place that validates that I am special, there is almost a clinging feeling around it. The person who is sick in front of you or the person who just lost their mother, father or brother does not need to hear about how special you are. They just need you to be there and be present for them.

This has been one of my most poweful lessons and also at times my most painful because I qucikly see how much unintentional pain is caused to other people when I feel the need to demonstrate that I am special. The deeper my inner communion becomes the less is my desire to be special until one day I will be so blessed to fully just be here and Now with no label and no attachmentt to any desire to feel that I am special.

Hot Dandelion!!!!

Recently a young woman was talking to me about certain phrases that she uses frequently, and I realized that millions and millions of people say these things more out of habit and programming then because of any greater connection to these phrases. I decided right then and there I needed a new simple phrase that would also convey so much and yet so little such as other greats; like rad, sweet, cool beans, for sure, like like like, and right on. I new it had to be simple and to the point, and Eureka it hit me gently but powerfully like a lighting bolt from Zeus. Hot Dandelion! It had everything I was looking for it was hot, colorful, flowery and easy to remember. It would also initially make most people laugh or at least look at me a little oddly or maybe they are looking at me strangely for a few other reasons. Yet one uttered phrase of simple cosmic brilliance that would bring others joy and give at least a few new options. Remember English is still a relatively new language and we are in desperate need of new phrases to convey thoughts, emotions and ideas. Recently John Mayer contributed the phrase "Sexual Napalm". This opens a door for anyone to come up with something and the ones that catch on will go down in pop culture history. I personally feel we should also strive to be enlightened and serve humanity as our larger self, but along the way we should help to expand the vernacular of the English language. Can I get a Heaven Yeah?!!!! Can I have an Expert Witness? Can I have an OM Shanti Shanti. Hot Dandelion is all I can say folks Hot Dandelion the kid has lost his Garbage pal kid collection and from there it could only be an immaculate perception once we removed life's contraception from our senses.

Where Was I ? Oh yeah, there I am again and then gone again and then Reappearing

I am in New York City and it is January. It has been 8 years since I have been here this month and every time I think I have had all that I can bear of the winter weather and get ready to migrate, I feel a gnawing feeling inside of me that merely says "not yet, you have not finished what you came to do." I was recently initiated into Kriya yoga and given the name Kriyavan and in this tradition they talk about serving humanity as a larger version of yourself. I have been pondering this a lot lately. I am looking at every person as a reflection of me, though I have not gotten to a point where I am aware of this at all moments. Ever increasingly, I know that I have to allow myself to just be more and more in my being, the doing gets done. The more I allow myself to be fully natural, the more beautiful things effortlessly unfold around me. The more I try, the less things happen. It is only when I truly let go of something that anything can come back to me, but none of it ever belonged to me. I love when I am at a public place and I get up and somebody sits down. I then come back to get my stuff and they usually say "Are these seats yours?" I then reply "I don't own anything, it's yours now."

I feel a lot of liberation in that simple sentence. I never did own anything- I am merely a custodian borrowing everything that I have in my possession. I have my mind set on the guru, my mind set on God, my mind set on peace, and yes, then my mind gets distracted and then I pull it back towards everything I just mentioned. It is all the same thing and it has all been said by somebody much wiser than me, yet it bears repeating, and at this moment it is intended for whoever is reading my blog.

Ashes shot out of A cannon

I am in Colorado-- Aspen to be specific, because of a young woman from my past that I reconnected with. I was willing to take a leap of faith and though it has not been what I expected, it has been wonderful and made me more aware of my path. I will not allow any attachment to a thing or person to get in the way of my journey. Yet, I must love them all the same and be present to the moment I am in. I am near Hunter S. Thompson's old place out in Woody Creek. My friend John back in NYC has a band called "The Woody Creek Kids," and as fate would have it, that is where I landed. I was asked to find other accommodations by the young woman that I was staying with because it all felt too intense for her. As a result, I met this great guy who I later found out shared the same birthday as me: April 17th . He noticed Yogananda printed on my jacket and commented on his time at the Self Realization center in L.A. It was a brief, one-day visit for him but impacted him greatly. He felt as if he knew me; I proceeded to do a healing on his shoulder which he had hurt a couple of weeks easlier. He said that he was taking care of a cabin in Aspen, and that I was more then welcome to stay there. Though things calmed down in the mind of the young woman that I was staying with, I knew that I would certainly need other accommodations. I knew that the young woman in Aspen was the impetus for me to come out here, but she was not the sole reason. Often there are numerous reasons as to why we end up somewhere and the people we meet along the way.

Aspen

Sometimes you just hsve to go for it without fully realizing or knowing what it is that you are going for. You have to realize you are being pointed in a certain direction. By allowing yourself to move into that direction, you will be given an opportunity to grow beyond your limits and beyond your comfort. You may feel scared or a little uneasy about taking such a leap, but sticking to everything you know won't help you grow. I recognize that I have a pattern of being drawn to women that never say yes or no, only maybe, and I don't know if they want to grow so eventually I have to let them go. In that letting go for me is a liberation because there is a part of my own mind that does not know if it fully wants to allow me to grow. I do not find it beneficial to fight the feelings that I have, I must merely allow them to pass through me like waves and not react to any of them, merely experience them. I allow the woman I am with to experience herself and just remain present without feeling the need to say or do anything- without feeling that I need to change or fix something. I just need to more deeply submerge myself in my own peace and find a deeper reservoir of love within my own being. We keep walking down a certain road until that road has taught all that it can.

As I sit here in Aspen, Colorado I recognize people come into our lives to act as a push in order to move us in a certain direction. They are merely a piece of our own individual puzzle. They are aspects of divinity helping us to awaken. All of us are here to awaken, and romantic relationships quite often act as catalyst for that awakening. Within these relationships will be vast amounts of both pleasure and pain. Yet, if we stay grounded to the ultimate source--never looking to one person to fill us--then we will feel a greater level of contentment. We place too much attention on one piece of the puzzle when romantic feelings become involved and neglect the whole puzzle. We must strive never to neglect the entire puzzle, and in that way we will be guided to perfectly place that one piece of the puzzle.