Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Suppose I'm Not the Ideal Boyfriend

Third party female editor = [ ]
Te' DeVan Kriyavan = ( )

People are always curious about my love life. [Why do you suppose this is?] (they don't know many nomads with large signs and I am out of the societal norms . . . sure everyone has a different reason) Some people think that I am celibate. I assure you that I am not, nor am I hoping to maintain the same pattern of dating beautiful train wrecks, which has comprised a great deal of my dating history. Neither one of us being capable of maintaining a committed relationship. I find that not only women but most people become terrified to realize that he or she has feelings. It is true in my exerpience, or perhaps yours as well, that most people are genuinely terrified of their deepest, truest feelings. It is this lack of intimacy with oneself that prohibits any real intimacy with another.

Still, I believe there are cetrain characteristics a woman is drawn to in a partner that help her feel secure and comfortable with intimacy. [This sentence is problematic in that it prefaces a sweeping generalization of female character. Consider who the woman is you are talking about. Is this a quality of all women, or just the women you are drawn to. If it's the latter, then why are you drawn to these women?](The quality of a high percentage of women though you may be an exception seek those qualities in a partner and I consider to be the realm of relative of truth not absolute truth and some of this blog is written for humor as well) First, of which is that this man have some sort of stable residence (which I have not had in over 8 years). I do not actually know where I will be in 2-5 months and I make a small enough amount of money that I could collect food stamps in most places. This is not typically the sort of things that make for an <"ideal" boyfriend (mainstream America) On the other hand, a materialist does not necessarily make for the ideal boyfriend either. I am well aware that I carry with me a sense of adventure and creativity through passion, which people are inspired by. Yet there remains the simple fact that most people would rather have a "practical" boyfriend than an "inspiring" one. Perhaps, the true ideal would be to have both. How can there be love and compassion through practicalities?

I have always had a gut feeling that I would be very successful, in the traditional sense as defined by society, and that I would be in a position to effect a lot of positive change with my material abundance. Yet people [which people?] (most people) naturally want the "sure thing". Very few people are willing to risk spiritual happiness for convenience, even though they may convince themselves that they love them. They may cheer for and hope for a long shot secretly to come through, but to bet on the long shot is an entirely different matter.

In this particular situation the investments would be time, energy, and emotion. On the surface, my life may not seem stable, but I continue to rest more and more deeply in the the "bosom of the divine mother" (as Yogananda would often say) and I find it quite ample for simple means. Yet, when a traditional western woman and a traditional western family are added to my equation [don't forget that you are specifically referring to your own experience and you cannot generalize so broadly] it would demand that a greater amount of resources be obtained. Simply put, "got to make that money to keep the honey."

I once read of a great Guru who had dispensed with sleeping and had performed many great miracles, yet even his wife, in a fit of delusion and anger, assailed him for not providing more financially for his family. Even the wife of such a wise man still had severe concerns with these things. She quickly returned to her senses after he physically dematerialized briefly, forcing her to realize the error of her ways. I have hardly achieved such a level of realization and recognize that it is only natural for such thoughts to be held by most women. Women have to be concerned for the welfare of their future offspring more deeply than the man. [I cannot let this slide. This is an ignorant assumption. You are completely disregarding the personality of the female, especially spiritual women. You are over-simplifying women on the basis of reproductive biology. Are these just qualities of most of the women you are attracted to? If so, it would be more fitting to address why you are attracted to them and they to you if you are so obviously the opposite of what they think they want.] This may not always be the case, but in developing nations, the lower class find that micro-loans are more successful in benefiting the family when they are made to the women of households instead of the men. [Have you considered that this is a result of social pressures put on these women, and that these women may not have chosen their situation but were forced into it by institutionalized restrictions on the role of women in society? As a result they have no choice but to be wives and mothers] There are always exceptions, but in someone plays the role of the provider and typically in heterosexual relationships this is the man. [Again you are speaking on the basis of assumptions. You might need to do refer to research in sociology and gender studies to make these claims hold water.] Even if the woman makes a good income many will still have the desire for their mate to provide for them in some sort of way. This providing may not always be financial but quite often that is a common form that it takes. [Are most women satisfied by this provision, or would they rather be supported emotionally and spiritually?] A woman who is seriously looking for a mate [What woman, and what kind of mate?] will not take a man seriously who has not demonstrated a reliable stream of income, sufficient to raise a family.

In laymen's terms, this means that I fall into the category of "one-night stand" or "fling". Neither of these categories is particularly appealing to me, but the reality is most western women [what "western" women? this is not a practical category, unless you are looking for a relationship with "most western women". specificity is going to sell your point] will consider me in these unfortunate terms. Of course, some women who are around college age or perhaps have some sort of trust fund might not worry about such things. They are more likely seeking emotional stability and geographical stability. I can provide emotional stability, but I "lose points" for geographical stability, having pursued a nomadic lifestyle for eight years. Therefore, either she also must also be a nomad, or I must allow myself to be settled.

Despite what many people may think, I am not attached to being a nomad. I merely go where I have the best opportunity to heal and pursue the creative projects that capture my imagination. Clearly, I am at a point in my journey that a romantic partner or mate has become quite appealing. I understand, as Patsy Cline put it, that you have to be "crazy" to choose a "stray cat" such as myself. I have this inner knowledge that everything in my life is about to be flipped inside-out. I am at the point of transition where my every day existence is preparing to undergo a major overhaul. I want little more than that deeply loyal and dependable love that I can take walking after midnight. And that must be found within myself first. Only then will the external world mirror my inner realization. No need for me or any female to be lonesome weeping willows. [another generalization] are deeply seeking a partner which is a reflection of their seeking of the unknown infinite. Call it God if you will, or call it unconditional love, or whatever.

"Now I am not saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke .... you know what" (just ask Kayne and Jamie). I have seen on past occasions the man with finances ends up the "winner", but perhaps winning isn't always winning. I don't want a partner who would pull me away from my spiritual path to chase after worldly treasures, who would ask me to sacrifice the pursuit of God. I understand money for food, shelter, education, and health are valid reasons to choose a partner (although these costs can be greatly minimized through right lifestyle), but do we really need flashy new curtains and polished silverware...? I am simple monk who will be taking on the yogi householder lifestyle in this incarnation. [In my understanding a monk by definition takes vows of celibacy. Perhaps "I am a simply yogi who will be taking on the householder's lifestyle in my present incarnation" is more accurate]. Such is [what is your definition of dharma? there are multitudes] and I am very comfortable following my dharma. I also understand the importance of blending the spiritual with the practical, but never at the sacrifice of the divine. My wife and kids will all eventually leave me, be it death or something else. But God has stayed with me through all of eternity, and the Creator giveth and taketh away. I write this as a reminder to the part of my mind that is still caught in the maya. Have compassion for my delusions, but may all my delusions be removed through perseverance and patience.

I stand near the edge of a vast horizon that defies the scope of my vision. From here I am able to see my future partner walk with me on this leg of my journey, beside me as I transition into a being of greater service to humanity, a partner who facilitates my spiritual growth and I hers. This is no easy task and requires a tremendous commitment from us both. Now is a quiet time of reflection for me to practice kriya yoga and write. May God be my first partner and this woman be an extension of this cosmic partnership.

This was a wonderful battle of values between author and editor. Take what you may.


Paige said...

Hey, not actually commenting on the content of this post because I'm short on time but I'm sure it's worth reading. I met you at mountain jam, rothbury, vibes and happened to see your pretty little sign on a bonnaroo dvd last night while contemplating a little experiment i have recently begun with my synesthesia. Have to love google helping you find that random guy you met those few times. You wanted me to be myself and stop hiding but instead i sunk deeper into hiding, mainly from myself. What i realized now is that my synesthesia, having most effect on me pertaining to words and moods/energies(i feel very purple today!) has opened a door to my subconscious and allowed me to peek in and view myself in a whole new light. I can't believe i never made these connections before. I am beginning have a different understanding of what i hide from by documenting when and why i believe i feel these energies. When i began i immediately thought of you, and would love to throw around some words on the subject. Let me know if that interests you, if not I'm sure i'll see you around. All the best! -Paige

NIMBUS said...

Kriyavan, your thinking logically about a subject like attraction.

Attraction is illogical, if they are attracted to a certain point, NONE of these things matter, they will chase after you regardless.

Te'DeVan said...

Paige call me 973-202-7176 and can you send me the link to the Bonnaroo thing. And nimbus your spot on just having a little humor with "logic"

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